Oh, you feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.
You move at the slightest shudder, the softest touch, the most silent breeze.
You feel, you hurt, you tear.
Oh, there are those among us whose hearts are just too tender.
Those who are in vertigo between the lines of acceptable and emotional.
Oh, how we wonder.
How we wonder what kind of right it is, to feel.
-E.J.
How weird, how odd.
I was first inspired by my sister to write. Not that she encouraged me; I instead stumbled upon her ‘secret’ book of poems that I too, being the youngest and always wanting to do what my sister was doing, decided to do the same.
My emotions were laid down in verses. My imagination in short stories. When it came to choose a degree course, I took up American Lit (to which my parents asked me how exactly do I think I can earn a living with that) as my first major, Asian Studies being the second.
I love words. I love how they affect me.
However, lately, they’ve become too severe for me. Do you get that? I’ve become reluctant to read the books that used to inspire me. I have instead, now, taken to meaningless chick lits, the happily-ever-afters. The Chuck Palahniuks, the Bret Easton Ellises, the Isabel Allendes, the Anuradha Roys, and the likes. The written documentations of human trafficking, of indigenous abuse – I cannot take anymore. They leave me depressed for days.
So yes, the former lover of written words. I have embraced Bridget Jones, your Princess Diaries, your no-brainer works.
Because otherwise, I do not know how to accept humanity as it is, currently.
If you could, choose ignorance.
Have you always been this sad?
If no, what made you so devastatingly heartbroken?
If yes, how did you ever survive?
I have (re)discovered that:
-sometimes we hurt other people not because we’re being malicious but because we want to see how much they love us
-and the above doesn’t work 92% of the time
-most of the time we think life is like a movie with the hero and the heroine and that whole shit.. and the whole ‘live happily ever after’ A LIE
-if you take a step back and look things from a different perspective, you will learn to let go of the mess that has been holding you back
-you need someone to tell you to slow the fuck down
-you need someone to tell you what the fuck you’re doing wrong because you’re not always right
-you need to keep people who make you HAPPY HAPPY and who make you feel good about yourself
-sometimes it’s better to be direct than keep things to yourself to avoid confusion
-if you let things go there will be less drama
Because we need reminders, time and time again.
It was a slow
love
A yearning that grew
through the years
A slow falling
of emotions
An entanglement of
vines
of roots
of soft splittered
glass debris
washed up to the shore
and polished
to be as one
as the sea
It was the slow
and steady
breathing of the universe
It was the silence
and unexpected reunion
and falling,
all over again –
It was
you
and
me
in a
cliche
It was
you
and
me
fighting
making up
fighting
questioning
not sleeping
talking
holding hands
breathing
It was you
holding back
not trusting
it was me
doing the same
Rinse repeat
It was me
letting go
It was you agreeing
It was us
missing each other
It was me
and a current decision.
(e.j., 2014)
Blink. And blink again.
It’s already April; it scares me how time and pass by so quickly. There are so many things to do, but so little time. I’m married to my job; I say I don’t mind. Not for now anyway, when I have all this energy to burn.
Do you believe in signs? Like how the start of the year is an indication of how the rest of 2014 will pan out to be? I don’t want to, I really don’t. One tries to ignore the downsides, when there are positive moments to celebrate, but we can’t really ignore what has happened, can we?
Last month was heart-wrenching.
Again, it reminds me of mama’s passing. Again, I emailed mum about death. She’s always said I have to accept my sorrow. But honestly it’s easier to ignore it for now. Keep it locked and shelved somewhere at the back of my mind (heart), to avoid an avalanche of tears.
I’ve also decided that I need to re-work my priorities. The relationship with myself, and with other people. How I need to treat them, and who I need to let go.
Time is precious.
How do you do it?
Oh/
This is the start of my life, she thought
this is the love I’ve been waiting for
Oh/
He arrived quietly, unexpectedly
She held back, he pulled her in
She built walls, he tore them down
She was full of impossibilities
He promised possibilities
And promised, promised more
Until she believed.
Oh/
She truly believed.
Each love that came.
But every time they came
they also left
And oh/
They left with another piece
and another.
Until there was nothing
But light traces of dusty wreckage
echoes of past promises
circling inside of her
*Night time randoms.
(e.j., 2014)
The popularity of lists on the Internet is quite apparent – every day there’ll be at least one Facebook share of articles from sites like Elite Daily or Thought Catalog that’ll go along the lines of … ’20 Things You Have To Do Before You’re 25′ or ’30 Things You Should Own When You’re 30′ or the worst/saddest one that people take more seriously… ’30 Signs You Should Marry Him’, ’30 Ways You Know He’s The One’, ’30 Traits Your Future Spouse Should Have’.
Since when do we need guidelines on who to fall in love with? Is there a perfect person running around out there who meets all these 20/30 points? Don’t imperfections and mistakes belong to the mystery that is life? Shouldn’t you already have your own criteria concerning the person you want to be with? And if you don’t…do you really want to adhere to a list or experience it on your own?
What has happened to love that we’re afraid of diving in unless it’s perfect? (or gets 20 ticks on that 20…. list)
Why are website-generated, non-personal lists popular anyway? Is it because we spend most of our time in front of computer screens (my work requires me to do so, for example, and I’m married to my job) that we lose out on living life that we’re supposed to experience? Is it knowing that life is short and we’re so afraid of wasting time on mistakes that we need a checklist for every.single.thing from age achievements to love so we can refer to them to avoid failure and pain and heartbreak?
For me –
I know no one likes to go through sadness. The tears that come after a departure. Sleepless nights.
But eventually we’ll have to let go, and learn after each experience.
You should have your own list, a personal one, of how you want to live your life and love. You don’t need Elite Daily or Thought Catalog to tell you how your man should be. When to say yes or not to. Follow your heart. (and I know sometimes it just might be the hardest thing to do)
“Good relationships feel good, they feel right.” -Mrs Obama
I have dreamed of you in this life time
The way you speak
The slight of your head when you ask
The slow creep of your hand towards my spine
The way you breathe, as it turns into my lullaby
I have kept in my dreams, and more –
Of your strength
Of your hands encompassing mine
Of my safety, in your arms
Of us, defying the waves of time –
I have dreamed of you in this life time, and the next.
(random writings, in the middle of the night)
(e.j., 2013)
I have no ambitions to be an activist of sorts.
I also don’t want to preach about religion or force anyone to take on a certain belief. I couldn’t care less what religious view you choose to follow. Religion (or non-religion) has always been a personal thing, in my opinion.
I merely write, to voice an opinion, to ask, to portray a sentiment.
I am still me. And like a lot of my friends (and some of us have chosen to come back here even after having the option to live in another country), we want a Malaysia that respects people of all races and religions. If certain institutions continue to spread fear and distrust among everyone, the future might look extremely bleak for this nation that we all (strangely) love.
dreizig 