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How weird, how odd.

I was first inspired by my sister to write. Not that she encouraged me; I instead stumbled upon her ‘secret’ book of poems that I too, being the youngest and always wanting to do what my sister was doing, decided to do the same.

My emotions were laid down in verses. My imagination in short stories. When it came to choose a degree course, I took up American Lit (to which my parents asked me how exactly do I think I can earn a living with that) as my first major, Asian Studies being the second. 

I love words. I love how they affect me. 

However, lately, they’ve become too severe for me. Do you get that? I’ve become reluctant to read the books that used to inspire me. I have instead, now, taken to meaningless chick lits, the happily-ever-afters. The Chuck Palahniuks, the Bret Easton Ellises, the Isabel Allendes, the Anuradha Roys, and the likes. The written documentations of human trafficking, of indigenous abuse – I cannot take anymore. They leave me depressed for days.

So yes, the former lover of written words. I have embraced Bridget Jones, your Princess Diaries, your no-brainer works. 

Because otherwise, I do not know how to accept humanity as it is, currently.

If you could, choose ignorance. 



Have you always been this sad?
If no, what made you so devastatingly heartbroken?
If yes, how did you ever survive?

A Note to self in 2008

I have (re)discovered that:
-sometimes we hurt other people not because we’re being malicious but because we want to see how much they love us
-and the above doesn’t work 92% of the time
-most of the time we think life is like a movie with the hero and the heroine and that whole shit.. and the whole ‘live happily ever after’ A LIE
-if you take a step back and look things from a different perspective, you will learn to let go of the mess that has been holding you back
-you need someone to tell you to slow the fuck down
-you need someone to tell you what the fuck you’re doing wrong because you’re not always right
-you need to keep people who make you HAPPY HAPPY and who make you feel good about yourself
-sometimes it’s better to be direct than keep things to yourself to avoid confusion
-if you let things go there will be less drama


Because we need reminders, time and time again.

Conversation from a few years ago

W: You never seem to stay put in one place for long, do you?

Me: No, I’m a modern day nomad.

W: What are you actually running away from, my dear?

Me: I’m not running away from anything.. I’m just.. looking for something..

W: Looking for what?

Me: Happiness. Looking for something that really makes me happy. I’ve been doing that my whole life.

That I Would Be Good

Even in the saddest moments. When I’m feeling lost, alone. When my heart is heavy and there are pieces of me breaking.

I am reminded, all over again, that there are people who see something in me what I am blind to.

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Last night’s kind words from F., written on one of her birthday presents for me. You never fail to remind me, when I need it, of who I am and what I deserve.

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A good friend, S., made this card for my birthday. I am late in opening some of my presents and cards. It’s not only a handmade card, but it also houses reminders. Words that make me tear, but with gratitude. “[…]Point is I love love love you. And I’ll continue believing in you more than you believe in yourself. […]”

Even in my worst moments, in my tears and irrationality, you have offered a piece of me back. You are my family when mine is far away. Your are my faith when I am in darkness. Thank you.

I have different homes

“At the end of the day, it isn’t where I came from. Maybe home is somewhere I’m going and never have been before.” 
-Warshan Shire

What are my limits?

Oh, we are tired souls, when you give your heart and head, delving in and submerging yourself for a goal.

I miss 30 Rock

Jack to Liz Lemon: You’re the one who wormed your way into my brain with your endless hand-wringing and feelings! I used to be a shark and then you unshark-alated me.